StaxTalks on Finding Value in Anxiety
StaxTalks on Finding Value in Anxiety

Anxiety is a tripping life. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been going through anxiety period for the past year and a half and am still going through it.

Before I tell you how I’m dealing with it now, should I take you back years to where everything started?

Monday, March 25th, 2021

A new way of life with anxiety | Intro

I woke up. It was a sunny morning, which would say typical for March 25th. I got up and washed my face. Not sure what you get for breakfast, but back then, my breakfast was typically like a couple of cigarettes and coffee. I usually get breakfast at like noon or 1,2 pm.

After the morning routine of work meetings and finalizing, I grab some food, and now the time is for organizing my afternoon after work.

Where should I go? Who should I go with? When should I go?

Many questions may bring many answers but thankfully, it’s your life, and you get to decide how you want to roll with your day.

So I called my best friend, and we scheduled a meeting with a friend who could legitimately drink a boat and still remain on his feet as he had just arrived at the party.

He is a tall guy, comprehensive, and he used to play water polo for a lot of years; I guess you could paint a rough picture; to add on top of that, he’s a calm, peaceful guy to talk with, enjoy with, and all the good life. He was for spring break in Serbia.

He speaks our language as one of our own; therefore, if you love speaking with people in a foreign language, this wasn’t one of those moments. Sadly.

So we picked to meet up in our street and drove by the coast shore ( walking by the river ). We walked; it was a fantastic day, summer was close by, the weather was following with a good mood, and everything was, as you could guess, 10/10.

We have a thing for gam***** like, we loved to guess what could happen on a soccer game, sometimes we get lucky, more of those times we get the shorter piece of a stick ( definition read here ).

We got coffee to go; while drinking coffee, we smoked and continued the laughter about various topics we spoke about, mainly regarding the funny behavior of our friends at parties. Read more about the coffee and smoking myth.

We couldn’t stay long as we planned for later obligations to go out and continue our meet-up on a more serious note. We packed up and headed back home. Two of us had an appointment at a hairdresser in roughly 30 minutes.

Scary part

Now comes the scary part. While negotiating when we should have a hair appointment, I still remember that traffic light. I looked at a traffic light that was red; I started sweating a bit, enough to feel unpleasant as it was all of a sudden. I often believe that sudden sweating signals something terrible will occur; I’m often correct.

The traffic light turned to green, and we continued driving home; as we went further or closer to home, sweating started to be heavier and heavier; next to sweating, I started having chills as my body went from +30C feeling to a -10C, but it didn’t felt like I’m cold, chills were weirder that than.

We stopped at a gas station so my friend could purchase necessities. While waiting for him, my arms started feeling insanely stiff, jaw followed with the same feeling. My heart started beating way faster than usual; if I could guess, I went from a regular 68 BPM to around 130 BPM, if not faster.

Sweating and chills started being even more aggressive when I suddenly felt electricity going through my arms and body like somebody was zapping me with a taser. I felt like my body is going through a worse shut-down mechanism than ever.

My friend returned; I was pretty blatant and just told him: “I’m not feeling the best, so I’ll reschedule my hair appointment for another day or go a bit later.”

When we arrived home and I stepped out of the car, I felt a bit better; I was terrified that I would not be able to work, but somehow I had the strength to make the needed steps to get into the house and just pretty much drop on a sofa.

My body shut down and lasted for approximately a couple of minutes before it started dying bit by bit when I returned feeling unwell but well enough not to panic as much.

On a scale of 0 to 10, how much I taught during my time on earth is kaput; it was rough to 15. Sometimes thinking about it, I think not even a gunshot would feel as bad cause at least you know what hit you.

I spent hours on hours visiting websites and reading about it; it indeed was a traumatic experience for me as I never went through anything similar, not even a mile close. For the following days, I remained indoors cause I developed a scare that if I left, it’d happen again, so, at my home, I felt the safest.

Reading about my experience online wasn’t as helpful, besides figuring out it may be a panic attack. When I read about panic attacks, I’m always uncertain how such things can happen to a 23-year-old guy; I wasn’t 90 or suffering from a god knows which syndrome or similar; it couldn’t happen to me. I was wrong.

Following days

Articles on articles on articles. Hours and hours of reading and obsessing my brain with all the possible outcomes of this new way of life. I realized that this was my new life, a new tag under my belt and I felt obliged to know everything possible that could happen and what I should expect.

I became a prisoner of my own mind. The mind I was feeding became the ruler and executioner of my actions. My anxiety became the ruler of my complete life.

Every topic, every action In a day was perfectly curated, so 1. I wouldn’t leave a house 2. I was close to someone and not alone. 3. I felt like a had to pay tribute to my anxiety.

The thing is, I also worked a 9-5 job; therefore, I was in a way lucky cause Corona was cooking up the situation, and generally leaving the house wasn’t recommended, and most of the commodities were not working anyways therefore, I had that “luck” not to have a much reason to leave anyways.

If someone told me that I would need to pay tribute every day of my life to my mind, I would say you’re delusional.

I feel bad being thankful for something that impacted an enormous number of lives, does that make me a bad person?

Missing stuff causes anxiety.

I consider myself an open person. That open person hasn’t shared this new information about my life with anyone except the closest circle of my family. It took me a long number of months to start doing anything regarding my new situation.

I completely closed into myself. I started missing birthdays, essential work events, and chilling with my friends I ultimately accepted my induced anxiety, and I started behaving as if that was my new daily life.

Going through my life retrospectively, I realized that I need people to be my whole self. Now, that brings the question. I need the people, yet I’m paying tribute to my anxiety; those two do not click together.

I started researching more about my new life routine from the blogs I read. started piecing one and one together. How do you live a free life while being trapped? That question is pretty hard to have a ready-up answer to, right?

Every day I get up, I first think about my anxiety. Every time I go to bed, I think about my anxiety. How do you fight your way out of this pickle? This is the new me, trapped me.

The most significant impact this has had was that I didn’t feel as bad as I kept missing all those events that I felt were of such value to me. More I think about it; I feel this induced anxiety has got me in chains.

If I lose feelings towards the things that mattered to me before March 25th, what does that say about me? Does that make me a bad friend?

I fought hard to feel like a person again. Every day felt shattered like you couldn’t connect with people anymore, like people are unimportant cause you got your own concerns now, even family worries. I felt like I only matter in this world. No one else did.

Anxiety and its value

The reason why everyone hates anxiety so much is pretty simple. Anxiety shapes your life, not to your liking. If I have to pick one lesson out of all the anxious moments, it would be that I need to value moments more. You have to understand that 90% of my anxiety moments felt like I’m about to die. It’s not a life that I have planned for myself. Anxiety screwed me up big time. Anxiety shaped my whole year. But I’m also thankful that it gave me a lesson as such valuing moments more.

I started cheering myself up more. I started going to therapy by a recommendation. Therapy felt good. Honestly, I felt like it’ll be the same experience you get from watching therapy in the movies. It was close; way funnier when you’re the actual “actor” on the scene.

In case you landed on this blog post, I recommend checking my confession about smoking. Read here.